Why Staying Quiet Is Holding You Back At Work

Know what you want at work but freeze when it's time to ask? In this episode of Control Your Career, career coach Julia Toothacre explains why self-advocacy feels so hard, especially for women and first-gen professionals, and why being direct isn't the same as being aggressive. Learn how to get clear on what you need, uncover the beliefs holding you back, and ask for a raise, promotion, new project, or better boundaries with confidence. Because staying quiet won't protect your career; it only keeps you stuck.

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You already know what you want. Maybe it’s more money. A new project. More respect. Or just fewer after-hours “quick questions.”

But when it’s time to actually ask, you freeze. You start running through every possible outcome in your head. You tell yourself it’s not the right time. You don’t want to look entitled or demanding. So you say nothing and keep going.

But staying quiet doesn’t protect you. It just keeps you stuck. That discomfort you’re trying to avoid? It’s costing you clarity, progress, and maybe even respect.

Why It Feels So Hard

Most professionals I work with aren’t afraid of work. They’re afraid of what happens when they speak up. Especially women, first-gen professionals, and anyone who’s had to prove themselves twice as hard to get half as far.

You’ve been told to earn it through effort. To keep your head down. To wait your turn.

But effort doesn’t equal opportunity anymore.

If you don’t say what you want, someone else will and they’ll probably get it.

Direct Isn’t Aggressive

Being direct has a bad reputation, especially for women. I’ve been called aggressive just for asking a clear question. But being straightforward isn’t rude. It’s efficient.

The problem is that many workplaces still reward compliance over confidence. They want people who follow rules, not challenge them. So when you do speak up, you risk being labeled “difficult.”

But staying quiet isn’t better. It just leads to burnout and resentment. You can’t control how people interpret your communication, but you can control how clear you are about what you need.

Clarity Comes First

You can’t advocate for yourself if you don’t know what’s wrong.

If you’re frustrated, ask yourself: what exactly do I need that I’m not getting?

Do you want a raise? A title change? A new project? More flexibility?

You can’t just say you’re unhappy and hope someone figures it out.

Vague requests get vague results.

What’s Really Holding You Back

If you tense up at the idea of asking for something, there’s a reason.

That feeling in your chest or stomach, it’s not random. It’s tied to a belief you picked up somewhere along the way.

Maybe you were told not to rock the boat. Maybe you learned that speaking up meant getting labeled as a problem.

Whatever the story is, it’s running the show until you decide to change it.

Asking Is a Skill

Self-advocacy isn’t natural for most people, it’s learned. You can ask for what you want without steamrolling anyone or backing down. It takes practice, preparation, and a plan.

In this week’s Control Your Career episode, I walk through exactly how to do it, how to figure out what’s really bothering you, how to communicate it in your own style, and how to get the outcome you deserve.

Because people can’t support you if they don’t know what you want.

And leaders don’t wait for permission, they ask..

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